Ugly Mom

Ever get that "ugly mom" feeling? You know ... you feel like nothing in your closet could make you feel pretty, you feel like two showers are not enough, let alone possible, your hair couldn't get funkier, and spit-up is your new perfume. Today ... really yesterday since I am writing this at 3 in the morning ... was that day.

I woke up as usual to a hungry infant and a 2-year-old ready to play house. Nothing unusual or different. I made plans to take our truck in for an oil change. Again, nothing really out of the ordinary. And then it seems that my 2-year-old decided that her good mood that she has had for the last two weeks was just a cover. I had set her up to watch a little "Horton" on my computer with headphones, which she loved. She was instructed to "just watch" and not touch any buttons. I was patient with her lack of memory for about ... oh ... 4 button pushes, but then she started to outright ignore me. She seems to have perfected the teenage blank stare of "what"? She even says it! So I give her one more chance to shape up or no more Horton. She aparently thought I was kidding. So, I calmly say, "OK. No more Horton." Calmly may be my version of the story. She may have seen it differently. Anyway, I take the computer away. I figured it wouldn't be that big of a deal. She had taken the headphones off several minutes before and was now, quite literally, pushing my buttons for the pure sake of seeing if I would react. Her response was to scream with fists clinched and face red. Ok ... so not that unusual of a 2-year-old reaction. Still frustrating, though. So I "calmly" send her to her room for a time out. Thinking that she would come out ready to be "good" for the rest of the day was apparently a lot to ask. She decided to respond to all my efforts of discipline today, with either screaming or "what?" or outright ignoring me. AAAAAHHHHHHHH!

My infant also didn't have the best of days. He had shots on Monday, which made him cranky for the rest of that day, and then feverish on Tuesday. He was still a bit cranky today, but better. Instead, he spat up all day. Of course almost all of it landed on me. This was the icing to my ugly mom day.

So my nerves were frayed and my patience tested. I would have liked someone to commiserate with me, but plans had been made several days ago for Tim to go with his good friend to a show in L.A. for the evening, while I was supposed to be with my friends. My plans fell away due to several friends needing to bow out. I usually would have no problem with this turn of events. A quiet night at home (at least after the kids are in bed), watching my guilty pleasures on T.V. while eating a naughty treat in bed. Sometimes I'll throw in a long shower, but for some reason I didn't think that it would help tonight. My "ugly mom" feelings could not be washed away. Instead, I stewed about my bad day, resentfully wishing that Tim had offered to stay home with me or to take me with him. It didn't help that he texted me "hello's" from other friends that I had no idea would be there. It's really not his fault that my night turned out so bad. How could he have known? Still, the mind of a tired, frustrated and ugly mom is a hard thing to contend with.

So, here I sit at 3:30am, venting my frustrations so that maybe I can sleep a few hours tonight, amazed that my son who wakes me every other night at around 2am has still not woken for his midnight snack, which only frustrates me more because I know he'll wait until I am just about to drift off...

Ok. So I'm a bit of a cry baby tonight. Mercy and I prayed for a better day tomorrow. I really do hope that God helps me with this, considering my lack of sleep will hit me sooner rather than later.

There's Gracen! Gotta go.